Raising Kids

Those who parent the least, parent best.

Modern parenting feels exhausting, anxious, and fraught with the sense that we are doing it wrong. Yet, humans have been reproducing for about 300,000 years, and we haven’t screwed it up too badly. If we look to our ancient ancestors for guidance, we can learn a few things about raising children in today’s competitive, hyper-online, post-industrial society.

The first thing I would suggest is that parenting is a shared responsibility and that children should learn from a diverse set of people. Let other adults matter in your child’s life. Grandparents, friends, neighbors, teachers, and coaches all have wisdom to impart. Building such a community would also benefit parents. Children with multiple attachment figures are much better off. Parents were not meant to be everything to a kid.

I also believe that parenting should look more like leadership and less like management. Our children do not need to be controlled. They need adults who define a set of values and model the way. Children learn by watching and doing. The best way to raise good children is to be a good person. We can invite kids into adult life by having them help us, rather than feeling responsible for keeping them entertained. Less explaining and more modeling.

Human beings crave autonomy, and the same is true for children. We need to give our kids space for independent play where they negotiate rules, resolve conflicts, and learn about risk and consequences. That means more unsupervised time and fewer adult-planned activities. Let kids experience boredom and failure. Competence grows from freedom.

Lastly, keep your kids close to nature and the real world. For tens of thousands of years, children experienced weather, animals, dirt, grass, and dangerous situations. Do not curb your child’s instinct to explore nature by forcing them to stay indoors in structured environments. Let them stomp in the mud, climb trees, and play in the hay barn. This will provide more physical reality and true sensory input than they can ever get from an iPad.

Childhood is in many ways an apprenticeship for adulthood, and parents are mentors. Show them the way. If we are trying to create decent humans, then we need to behave in a way that models that for our children. This does not require you to be involved in every second of your child’s day. Give them space to learn, grow, and do for themselves.

From a needlepoint my mother made and hung on the wall of my nursery:

 School by Joan Walsh Anglund

“What need we teach a child with our books and rules?

Let him walk among the hills and flowers

Let him gaze upon the waters

Let him look up to the stars

And he will have his wisdom.”