Winter

Snow is for skiing and for looking at while in the hot tub, drinking a beer.

I can’t think of any other way to enjoy snow, unless it is playfully throwing snowballs at your crush during the montage of a bad rom-com. Otherwise, winter just kinda sucks.

This opinion will come as no surprise to anyone who knows that my Instagram handle, the name of my boat, and the last line of my personal mission statement are all “Somewhere Hot”. I am built for summer. After growing up and going to college in Texas, I moved to Hawaii in search of the Endless Summer. Texas could, on occasion, get a little cold for me.

After moving back, it didn’t take me long to find Belize. This was a more accessible and affordable version of the tropics that enabled me to maintain a year-round tan without a nine-hour flight. Plus, I could buy an entire island for the cost of a nice Honolulu condo.

My preference for the warmth of the sun extends to my taste in music and television. Is there a winter analog to Jimmy Buffett or The Beach Boys? Do they set TV shows like Magnum P.I. and Hawaii Five-0 in Canada? I don’t think so. I can’t imagine people dreaming of retiring and moving to Iceland. A little grass shack on the beach is the fantasy.

The thermometer says that it is currently 22° in Austin. Snow and ice have covered the streets, and I am rapidly losing my color (and we all know that tan fat is more attractive than white fat). Of course, this is unusual, but that doesn’t make it any more tolerable. I’m comfy on the couch with a blanket, and there is a pot of good gumbo on the stove, but my mind is wandering. In it, I’m sprawled out on the sun deck of the Somewhere Hot with the bow pointed south, a rum drink in my hand, and a Kenny Chesney song on the radio.

It is always summer somewhere. Stay warm, my friends.