The Black Hole

The Benes Family Farm

My uncle Joe called our family The Black Hole.

Once a person crosses the Benes-family event horizon, there is no way to break free of the gravitational pull. This force has a great effect on the fate and circumstances of a person that happens to stumble into its orbit and is sucked in where even light cannot escape.

At the center of this force was my maternal grandmother who had a peculiar way of thinking about relationships. Three ideas shaped the way that she viewed the family. We can refer to these ideas as the “Jewel Benes General Theory of Relativity,” (or Relative-ity.)

The first part of this philosophy covered divorce. In her mind, you could divorce your spouse, but you could not divorce the family – even if you had married into it. When I brought friends home for the holidays it was not at all unusual to describe someone as “my mom’s sister’s ex-husband’s kid by his new wife.” The new wife was obviously also at the holiday gathering (and maybe one of her siblings who had inadvertently crossed the event horizon at some point.)

The second part is a very loose definition of kinship. My grandparents had nine siblings between them, so keeping track of all the aunts, uncles, cousins, and double first cousins was always a challenge. This was exacerbated by the liberal practice of informal adoption. I was well into adulthood when I learned that many of my “aunties” and “uncles” were not even real relations. This led to some kaleidoscopic family photos with a rainbow of skin tones that I never fully questioned or considered.

The true unifying center of The Black Hole was the most powerful force in the universe – love. You could not walk into that house without being enveloped in its embrace. It was in the laughter, the routine preparation of meals for 100+ people, and the doors that were always open to all comers.

This hyper-extended family raised me and shaped me. I am very comfortable with messy and non-traditional. Relationships do not fit neatly into perfect little boxes on a family tree and cannot simply be explained by shared DNA. Our lives are enriched when we generously open our hearts and homes to others. My granny knew this well. The Black Hole is her enduring legacy. I am working hard to carry on the tradition in my own way.